Be Entirely Flawed and Perfectly Human


I used to eat to fill a void.

I used to crave pain to feel alive.

I used to seek attention from just anyone.

I used to disrespect myself to please others.

I used to push the limits to discover my boundaries.

I used to give advice but not take it.

I used to complain expecting results.

I used to dream only in nightmares.

I used to give up before even trying.

I used to fight back expecting the other person to see my point of view.

I used to constantly try to be someone who I wasn't.

I used to think that a superficial life was meaningful.

I used to quiet my inner self and inner voice.

I used to tell myself I wasn't good enough.

I used to compare myself to people I didn't even want to become.

I used to work for people who mistreated me.

These are many things I have endured. Many experiences that have provided me with strength. The lack of self love I had for myself has allowed me to grow. Everything I've endured has made me crave living authentically, because I've always known who I was, I just shut off that person and told myself she wasn't worthy enough to have a voice in this world.

I still have my moments. I still have my fears. I still have my doubts. But I'm learning to accept them now and feel. I allow myself to feel vulnerable and breathe. Instead of resorting to food, and binge eating to distract and abuse myself for feeling. I now provide myself with love and support. I redirect my train of thinking and focus on the future. I can victimize myself, tear myself down, and criticize every part of me. Believe me, I've done all that over and over again..but where will that get me? What good will that do? If it weren't for all the pain and unpleasant moments and people life has blessed me with, I wouldn't be the beautiful human being I am today. I wouldn't be able to empathize with the wounds in others. I wouldn't be able to see life from different points of view. I wouldn't be able to help others when they need a shoulder to cry on. I wouldn't have been able to provide myself the love and strength I needed first and foremost, which has allowed me to share this with others.

Every time I tell myself I've finally learned my lesson, you know what happens? The next day I'm sent a test. I say I'm going to focus on me, and the next day multiple friends reach out to me asking if I want to do this or that. Distractions. My eyes are now fully open. I feel aware and committed to the process of growth.

I'm human, just like you. I'm sure you can empathize with these thoughts and struggles. We all deal with them. Some of us learn and some of us live unaware. When I tell you I've learned it doesn't mean that I don't have my moments where I fall back into old habits. Oh no..I still have my moments. I'm not perfect and I never will be. I have healed a lot but I now know how to react to these situations in a healthier way. Sometimes I get lured back in to my ego driven ways, but I now recognize this and avoid putting myself in the lions den. If you can gain control in this sense, you've learned a lot and will learn more. Don't allow others to define you, weigh on you, or bring you down. Don't allow yourself to do the same. I don't claim to know it all or know anything really, I'm just sharing with you what life has taught me so far. The most beautiful part about it all is awakening. Every breath you take doesn't mean you are present or feeling it. When you're truly present and alive you don't need to escape reality because you've made reality your escape.


The Risks of Love

If someone you are in love with doesn't make you feel desired or important, why do we keep trying? Is it because we have this never-ending need to prove to ourselves that we are worthy of their acceptance? If we win them over, will that make us worthy of love? Who exactly are we trying to prove this to?

Why do we torture ourselves constantly, when deep down we know what we deserve? More often than not, what we don't deserve keeps us hanging around for too long. We end up overstaying our welcome and constantly feel disappointed and unwanted. So why do we stick around? Why do we need the other person to realize what they have? Why is it so important to prove our importance to someone when we already know deep down what we have to offer? At the end of the day, we have to realize that there is nothing to prove to these people, because they aren’t the ones we should be fighting for. They will never open their eyes, and maybe it will take losing you to realize just how special you are.

Humans are innately selfish and even though we ultimately want to share and feel love, we act in self-destructive ways, ironically unable to reciprocate what we desire. Our life quest for another being to complement our intricate soul is ultimately what we end up hurting in others along the way. Granted, this is necessary and a risk we all take when falling in love. It's also something that causes problems to a person's psyche, makes them feel confused, hurt, and closed off from love. This stems from unhealed wounds that we haven’t faced or healed within ourselves so they surface in our close relationships.

No matter what, we still give love a chance, and we still have hope. We still go on that never-ending quest to our ideal destination with the hopes of finding love. The sacrifices we endure and the heart wrenching pain that sometimes arises are worth the risk when you can experience euphoria within love; feeling so special, so wanted, even if just for a moment in time. In contrast, those highs are sometimes lost. Love can leave us feeling the worst, most earth shattering and all consuming pain - leaving you paralyzed, numb, and unsure of why you wanted something so good from someone who could hurt you so badly in the first place.

I think we are all left with this question at some point in time, why did we think this would be any different? Why did they change? Why did I change? Why did we change? Relationships are an evolution. We both complement one another for a moment in time; but different external events change our makeup, affect our outlook, and drastically persuade our wants and needs in different directions - eventually causing two beings to reevaluate where they stand together. Are their wants the same? Are they still happy together? Do they want something more, something different, or even someone else?

This makes us human, our minds, our undeniable consciousness that we tend to put on the back burner and not listen to when we know deep down i'ts sending us a sign. It's telling us that things don't feel right, that we aren't fulfilled, and that the quest is still ongoing. We as humans also don't like to accept failure, or what is portrayed as failure in our minds. Failed relationships, a broken heart, a hurt ego, all leave us feeling disappointed and broken. These feelings can never be avoided. It's in our make-up, in our bones, bodies, and being. We are empathetic, we seek acceptance, and we seek love. We search for something we don’t accept from ourselves. But most of the time we just want a partner to experience this world with. We want to create something beautiful, and eventually create a life and another human being together.

Fairytales confuse us. Romantic stories and movies muddle up reality and leave us with unreachable and misinformed expectations of love. To find one person who will complement you for the rest of your life, the rest of your life! That's a long time, and it's almost impossible. It's a beautiful thing if you can achieve this, and if you both want to work hard to maintain this connection forever. However, the reality is that you will most likely find one person for segments of your life, who complements you through different stages of your evolution, and that's still a beautiful thing. That's still something to be cherished.

Maybe we are misinformed about having "soul mates" and only being with one person "forever." Maybe it's not in our makeup after all. Maybe we need to accept this, and not continue to be hypocrites. We practically set ourselves up for failure with the amount of pressure we put on ourselves. No one can withstand the amount of pressure the world and society's norms put on us. Society tells us: "You need to make a lot of money to support yourself so you can have a family one day. You need to have a big house. You need to have nice car. Why haven't you gotten married yet? Where's the ring? When are you guys planning on having a baby?" Then we are left making up excuses to make other people feel comfortable in social situations even though deep down we know the truth, we know we don’t want to succumb to these pressures instilled in us. We are left lying to the world in order for them to “accept” us, in order to live up to these cookie cutter standards. In order to make it seem like everything is ok, because we are doing things just how we were told to.

Where’s the fun in that? Having that same conversation over and over again? Having that internal struggle with oneself everyday. Then eventually taking out your frustrations on yourself and the ones you love. The stress we deal with from pressures that have become norms in today's society.

Yes, there are people who think and go against the grain. These people are adamant about living their life the way they see fit, with their own unique standards. I think if more of us lived this way, we would be happier, and less likely to inflict pain on others, and really live and love authentically.

Being hurt is a risk you take when falling in love. With every great beautiful feeling comes the risk of experiencing the opposite of that. Life is a risk everyday. It's something beautiful we are fortunate enough to experience and some days are better than others. Some days we come across love and some days we prefer to be alone. Everyday you should remember to choose happiness, remember your worth, remember your goals in life regardless of what anyone else tells you to do, and remember to treat others how you want to be treated. If you can remember to do these things, you can at least spread love along the way. At some point in your life you will come across someone who will love you the way you deserve, even if for just a moment.

This is My Story.

Why do I want to work as a healer? Why do I see food as preventative medicine? Why do I feel so passionately about spreading health and knowledge?

This is my story.

I never had a poor body image growing up. I was a child and lived like a child, care-free. I didn’t compare myself to other people and celebrity news and media scrutiny wasn’t what it is today. I played in my backyard all the time. Played with friends after school, and participated in sports. My parents only let me have soda from time to time, and we never kept it in the house. No candy or products with artifical colorings were allowed in the house either, unless it was a special occasion like a birthday.

Any chance I got to break those rules I did. Why? Because my friends got to eat all those foods, like Fruity Pebbles, Fruit Loops, candy bars, Dunkaroos, and that yogurt that changed colors! I so wanted in on that..I mean “food” that changes colors when you mix it, what kid wouldn’t want that!?

I never associated food with health. I didn’t see food as nourishment either really, I just ate it. Why? Because it tasted good, and if it tasted really good, I ate as much as I could. I was lucky  that my scrawny body wasn’t affected by the amount of sugar and calories I consumed. 

I rememeber in middle school I would have $2.50 to spend on lunch. You know what I would get? Two bags of chips, and a zebra cake, which is a sugary processed pastry. I would switch it up sometimes, and would eat  “real food” like a bagel and cream cheese, or chicken nuggets and french fries. Do any of these options sound nourishing? Or like they have any nutritional value whatsoever? No. This is the reason for the lack of health in this country, its because we aren’t taught properly or fed properly during our most formative years.

My mom and family cooked nourishing home-cooked meals, and would make sure there was always a vegetable on the table. Not like I enjoyed the three pieces of brocolli I was forced to eat before leaving the table, but I ate them.

Whenever I got home from school my best friend Rachel and I would head to the kitchen. We would make microwavable mac and cheese or Ragu, Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup (I have no idea if that was actually chicken!) and gorge ourselves with sweets like cookies and brownies. We didn’t gain weight from this, but I’m sure it had some kind of affect on my health, and I’m almost positive it contributed to my acne.

Looking back on my eating habits, I was eating was purely to enjoy food and overeat, not to nourish my body. But I also didn’t know any better. The food pyrimid we were shown in school, displayed carbs, like cereal, pasta, and bread as being the food group you should eat the most of during the day. Now, we are seeing the reprocussions of this. Diabetes, weight gain, inflammatory diseases, gluten-intolerances and allergies, and so much more.  Because we created these habits, and we were told for so long “eating carbs is good for you.” Not knowing it was moreso just great for the companies selling these processed foods.

We are constantly bombared with new food recommendations, new diets, and “right” way of eating cliams. It becomes overwhelming, and the easiet thing for people to do is stick to their current way of eating. Why? Because it has become a habit, a daily routine, a security blanket, and people feel comfortable with what is familiar to them.

I shook up my world, and ended my unhealthy habits, because I just got to the point where I was feeling so unhealthy. I was in college, overeating, stress eating, and feeling tired all the time. When I look back now, It amazes me how 21 year old me felt so unhealthy. Even though I thought I was eating a balanced diet, and I would go to the gym, my health wasn’t balanced. I wasn’t eating many vegatables, I was eating way too big of portions, I wasn’t sleeping enough at night, and when finals came around stress eating took over. It wasn’t healthy or helping me feel better. That’s when I realized I wanted to feel good, and damn it, I deserved to feel good!

I firstly began to research different diets and ways of eating. I noticed that many diets gave people perimiters and guidelines to follow, that’s why they worked so well. Not because of how many calories you ate, but the quality of the food you ate nourished your body.  I ate greek yogurt in the morning with blueberries and granola, I would go to the gym or for a run, and then have sweet potato, eggs, veggies, and avocado for lunch. At night I would have a big salad and maybe some pasta, or chicken and potatoes. In the beginning of my journey I still ate meat, and dairy.

Then as I began to workout more often and eat differently I noticed that I felt the best eating a plant-based diet, rich in whole foods. I didn’t eat animal foods for a while and felt great. I noticed that I had more energy throughout the day, I lost weight, I could see definition in my body from working out, and I felt happier.

During my studies to become a health coach I learned a lot about the dairy industry, and how animals were treated and quality of the food compromised for profit. That’s when I gave up animal products for a while. My skin also benefitted from not eating dairy, and I still avoid it.

My health journey and self discovery will never end. I will keep learning and changing, and that’s a beautiful thing. I think when we can accept ourselves and listen to our bodies and really understand what they need to function and what our bodies crave that’s when we can achieve health.

I feel like a health warrior, fighting for people to open their eyes. Fighting to give other people stregnth, and fighting against corporations that poison our food and people. This is my truth. My story. I hope this inspires yours.