I used to eat to fill a void.
I used to crave pain to feel alive.
I used to seek attention from just anyone.
I used to disrespect myself to please others.
I used to push the limits to discover my boundaries.
I used to give advice but not take it.
I used to complain expecting results.
I used to dream only in nightmares.
I used to give up before even trying.
I used to fight back expecting the other person to see my point of view.
I used to constantly try to be someone who I wasn't.
I used to think that a superficial life was meaningful.
I used to quiet my inner self and inner voice.
I used to tell myself I wasn't good enough.
I used to compare myself to people I didn't even want to become.
I used to work for people who mistreated me.
These are many things I have endured. Many experiences that have provided me with strength. The lack of self love I had for myself has allowed me to grow. Everything I've endured has made me crave living authentically, because I've always known who I was, I just shut off that person and told myself she wasn't worthy enough to have a voice in this world.
I still have my moments. I still have my fears. I still have my doubts. But I'm learning to accept them now and feel. I allow myself to feel vulnerable and breathe. Instead of resorting to food, and binge eating to distract and abuse myself for feeling. I now provide myself with love and support. I redirect my train of thinking and focus on the future. I can victimize myself, tear myself down, and criticize every part of me. Believe me, I've done all that over and over again..but where will that get me? What good will that do? If it weren't for all the pain and unpleasant moments and people life has blessed me with, I wouldn't be the beautiful human being I am today. I wouldn't be able to empathize with the wounds in others. I wouldn't be able to see life from different points of view. I wouldn't be able to help others when they need a shoulder to cry on. I wouldn't have been able to provide myself the love and strength I needed first and foremost, which has allowed me to share this with others.
Every time I tell myself I've finally learned my lesson, you know what happens? The next day I'm sent a test. I say I'm going to focus on me, and the next day multiple friends reach out to me asking if I want to do this or that. Distractions. My eyes are now fully open. I feel aware and committed to the process of growth.
I'm human, just like you. I'm sure you can empathize with these thoughts and struggles. We all deal with them. Some of us learn and some of us live unaware. When I tell you I've learned it doesn't mean that I don't have my moments where I fall back into old habits. Oh no..I still have my moments. I'm not perfect and I never will be. I have healed a lot but I now know how to react to these situations in a healthier way. Sometimes I get lured back in to my ego driven ways, but I now recognize this and avoid putting myself in the lions den. If you can gain control in this sense, you've learned a lot and will learn more. Don't allow others to define you, weigh on you, or bring you down. Don't allow yourself to do the same. I don't claim to know it all or know anything really, I'm just sharing with you what life has taught me so far. The most beautiful part about it all is awakening. Every breath you take doesn't mean you are present or feeling it. When you're truly present and alive you don't need to escape reality because you've made reality your escape.